


Deserving of Love

by yourrhinestoneeyes



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Angsty Feelings, M/M, Sex, mentions of abuse, season three timing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-14
Updated: 2014-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-21 04:24:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2454602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourrhinestoneeyes/pseuds/yourrhinestoneeyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Toki's been depressed ever since his birthday, Pickles is worried about him and wants to find out just why his friend has been acting so off lately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deserving of Love

**Author's Note:**

> This is in a way my head canon to why Toki was so obsessed with getting married on his birthday.

Pickles wasn't great with fixing his own problems or helping himself in a way that would be deemed healthy, but it bugged him to see his friends in their own states of turmoil. Lately Toki seemed to be the one going through something, on second thought he seemed to be going through a lot. He just refused to talk about it; for a dude who was really open about his emotions he never talked about it when something depressed him. He just got weird and practically hid away from everybody. There were times he would manage to make himself go around Pickles, but it didn't happen this time around. After a bit of searching the drummer found his friend in the kitchen. He was sitting on the floor with his back against one of the counters and his legs pulled up against himself. 

The red head knelt down in front of him, Toki wasn't looking at him; he was just looking off at nothing. He flinched away when Pickles touched his knee, the drummer pulled his hand away and mumbled an apology. The younger man blinked a couple of times as he came back to himself, his eyes met the other man's and he smiled apologetically. He looked like he was about ready to cry.

“Alright you've been doing this shit for over a week now. You've been on and off depressed ever since your birthday and that crazy ass need a wife deal. I got vodka and weed in my room, which do you want?”

His friend continued to stare at him for another second or two trying to understand he was even being spoken to.

“Both” He finally answered.

“Good boy”

Pickles stood up, he held out his hand offering to help his friend up. Toki took hold of his hand, he got to his feet and thanked the older man. The drummer didn't pull his hand from Toki's when they left the room, he was pretty sure nobody was around to see them holding hands.

When they got to his room Toki sat on the bed while Pickles got out his supplies. He handed a joint and a shot glass to the guitarist, he filled up the glass; by the time Pickles was done with his own shot Toki was done with his first. 

“So wanna talk about it or just get really wasted and forget about it?” 

He watched as his friend went between deep inhales of smoke to long drinks from the bottle of Absolut. One of the things the two of them shared so closely in common was burying their pain away in alcohol and weed, Pickles liked he knew somebody who didn't judge him for his methods of coping with the world.

“Talk about what?” 

The drummer rolled his eyes and grabbed the bottle away from the brunette. Toki silently pouted at the loss of the alcohol, but he still had the joint in his hand so at least that was something. He had hoped to get half way through the bottle before his friend would be taking it from him.

“Don't play dumb dude.”

“It's not a big deal, it's just really....Really weird dumb stuff.”

“If you ask me it's really fuckin' weird when a twenty-two year old suddenly wants to get married and all that dumb shit.”

The younger man took a hit from his joint doing his best to waste more time before he would have to try to explain himself. 

“What's so weird about it?”

He was up to playing dumb, Pickles only glared at him making him feel guilty. He knew the red head was just trying to understand what was wrong with him and it was sweet, but he did not want to get into this. Any of this.

“I'm sorry....It's how I was raised, okay?” He answered quickly.

“What to get married, dude come on I thought you didn't buy any of that shit your parents told you?”

They all knew better than that. Their guitarist still had a lot of his father's teachings deeply engraved into his brain. He wanted to pull away from it, to do like his friends did, and to think about things rationally, but there was always that shadow lingering.

“I don't...I thought that I didn't, but then I started thinking about it and hearing my dad's voice in my head. I could just hear him telling me how much sinning I've been doing and how I should be married to a woman, not....Not doing the things I've been doing.”

Toki stubbed the rest of the joint out in the ashtray sitting next to him. He ran his fingers back through his hair thinking about how he really needed to wash it soon. He felt uncomfortable talking about all of this, his friends already thought he was crazy for obvious reasons.

“That's dumb dude, you're too fucking young for all that shit. Got a whole life of fucking mistakes ahead of you.”

“I know, but I can't let go of some of the shit they taught me or did to me and I've been so fucking lonely lately....It just seemed like a good idea.”

A really dumb idea, he was full of dumb ideas. 

Pickles felt guilty, he hadn't really been paying much attention to the guitarist lately. He felt bad about it, but he'd been busy and for the most part Toki was usually fucking around with Murderface. He didn't really think too much about it.

“Your dad was an asshole dude, besides you said he hated you. I don't think he'd care if you got married young or not.”

Toki grabbed the bottle away from the older man and took a drink from it. 

“He at least wanted me to do that much....He married my mom when she was young.”

“How young?”

“She was a teenager, her parents practically fucking threw her at him. He was a holy man, what Christian family wouldn't want that? His whole congregation believed in marrying off young, planned marriage, all that shit.”

“That's fucking creepy dude, but you ran away and your dad isn't here anymore.”

Toki smiled sadly.

“I still fucking hear the stuff he taught me. I can't even have a one night stand without thinking about how pissed off he would be, how I'm going to rot in Hell for it....I just can't let it go and I know how dumb that is, I should just know better.”

He hated himself for letting a dead man's words get to him, crawl under his skin. He hated himself for not being able to handle loneliness, he hated how Pickles was probably just doing this cause he felt like he had to.

“It's not dumb. Dude my whole fucking family abused me and I still call them and visit them, I gave my fuckin' brother a job here. I still want to make my mom happy, get her to tell me she loves me at least one time....So no you aren't dumb for any of that, you're just normal.”

Pickles grabbed the bottle from his friend, this time he just sat it to the side.

Toki lowered his head, his hair fell over his face allowing him to hide away for a moment. He felt dumb and selfish, he felt bad for himself, and bad memories were burning at his brain.

“It still hurts a lot...My head and the scars on my back, when I remember things....I don't like remembering things that he did to me, it scares me, and I can't handle it. I hate I could never make my parents love me or care about me.” 

Pickles pushed Toki's hair back out of his face, the younger man lifted his head just meeting his eyes. The drummer felt for him, he felt so bad seeing his blood shot eyes and the tears currently falling from them. He hated that long lasting fear he saw there. He trailed his fingers down along his right cheek brushing away tears, his fingers ran across Toki's lower lip. The younger musician parted his lips, the older man smiled.

“You're fine now. He can't hurt you or control how you live your life. Just fucking do whatever makes you happy, fuck what your religious fanatic parents beat into that pretty little head of yours. You don't need to live like that.”

Toki smiled, he took hold of Pickles' wrist; he kissed the palm of the other man's hand.

“So why do you still talk to your family?”

“I'm like a dumb ass who's also a gluten for pain.” He replied smirking.

“Or maybe you care about them?” Toki asked curiously.

The red haired man pulled his hand away from his friend's grasp.

“Don't go all shrink on me dude, we're talking about your shit anyway.”

“Yeah, but mine isn't that interesting or nice to think about.” He responded looking away.

He only looked back when Pickles offered him the bottle again, he took it thanking the drummer.

He watched the younger musician drink, he continued to watch him even when he finally lowered the bottle. There was something sad in his eyes and in the way he stared down at the bottle in his hand. It was like his mind was swirling with thoughts he wanted to let out just for the sake of it, but he was too scared of what could happen.

“My dad said drinking was a sin....Same with metal music, cursing, drugs....Everything actually.”

Pickles moved onto the brown haired man's lap, Toki looked up at him. The drummer took the bottle from him setting it down on the bed, he took the other man's face in his hands and looked into those dumb puppy dog eyes of his. 

“Your dad isn't here anymore kid, can't do a damn thing to you....Just go with things.” 

He pressed his lips against his friend's, his fingers combed back into his hair. He felt hands on his hips, calloused fingers going up beneath his shirt and touching over his skin. Pickles moved his hands down to the other man's chest, he could feel his muscles beneath the thin material of his shirt. He kissed along his jaw, Toki tilted his head back allowing him room to explore. He moaned softly when teeth nipped at the front of his throat, Pickles hands moved to the bottom of his shirt and began pushing it up. He pulled away long enough for his friend to remove his shirt and drop it to the side with the bottle. The drummer went back to kissing along his collar bones and his chest, his fingers carefully touched his scarred sides. Toki's breathing hitched when the red head's fingers touched the markings, Pickles rubbed gently against the scars and his partner relaxed. 

He thought about how well built his sort of boyfriend was, they really didn't have a highly defined relationship. This was the first time they had been alone together for weeks, he kind of really missed it. He knew he'd be a terrible full time boyfriend, it was good they just had a half way thing going with each other. Lips pressed against the top of his head and the younger musician whispered something not in English. Pickles pulled back and looked up into his eyes, again Toki whispered in Norwegian. The drummer glared at him, he hated not knowing what was being said to him, but it couldn't be anything bad. The loving look in his eyes and the gentle way he touched his face told him it was something heart breakingly sweet, possibly even romantic. The way that his friend kissed him made him feel guilty for not being there for him more, but he was here now. That had to count for something and damn gentle felt really nice. Pickles moaned into the kiss, he leaned into the brunette's touch and moved his body closer to his needing to be as close as possible. 

When Toki broke away Pickles was left slightly breathless and unable to meet his eyes. The guitarist took hold of his left wrist, he pushed his thumb up under his wrist band his finger rubbing over admittedly not all that old scars.

“When did you slip?”

“Just a few weeks ago or something, it's not a big deal. I'm not gonna fucking do it again.”

He knew he'd end up doing it again, sometimes stress got bad. Sometimes his mom called him after he'd spent a night binging on meth, then told him he was a wreck, and she should have aborted him. Sometimes that razor looked very sweet. 

Pickles pulled away from his friend.

“Sorry” 

“It's cool, I didn't plan on doing it....I was just going to call you instead, but I was sort of high off of my fucking ass. I really don't need you dealing with my old ass when I'm doing shit like that.”

Toki kissed him gently, the older man groaned.

There was something naïve and beautiful about dating guys and women who had that need to care, but he knew from experience he always ended up driving them insane. He didn't like the idea of being part of the reason to drive that dumb loving light out of his friend's eyes. 

“I love you Pickle”

“I know” 

It hurt hearing that, it had hurt for months now ever since the first time that he'd heard it. The first time out in the rain, lying on the ground half naked, soaking wet, and drunk as hell. He had felt his heart stop for a whole fucking two beats when Toki had said that to him. It was only worsened by the fact he couldn't say it back, not because he didn't feel it. He felt it, he loved the guy like crazy, but he couldn't say it back. This wasn't something that would last forever, it was barely a thing at all. It would last until Toki got a real relationship or got tired of hanging around a guy who solved every problem with a razor, line of coke, or alcohol. For now he was in the love struck delusion that he wasn't dating a total washed up loser.

For now there was only the faintest look of hurt in his eyes when he didn't hear that he was loved back, but it faded when Pickles kissed him. He kissed him hard enough to make him forget how much he hated that his boyfriend couldn't return those three words. The younger musician moaned against his mouth, he bit at the shorter man's lip. Pickles pushed him back onto the bed, Toki wrapped a leg around his back pulling him down closer against him. The drummer ground his hips down against his boyfriend, he kissed along his jaw; he trailed his pierced tongue down over the front of his throat down to his chest. The guitarist's back arched as his tongue went down his torso. Toki had both legs firmly wrapped around the older man's back by the time he was face level with his crotch. The drummer smirked up at him, begging blue eyes with blown pupils stared down at him just barely hanging onto patience. He groaned and rolled his hips when Pickles began rubbing against the bulge in his jeans, the red head could feel his cock twitch with each firm rub he gave. Near silent foreign pleas fell from swollen lips, a sigh escaped him when Pickles finally unfastened his jeans pulling his cock out. The drummer kept a firm grasp on the base of his cock, he rubbed his thumb up and down along the side. He took the head in his mouth swirling his tongue around it before taking more of his length into his mouth. The other man placed a hand on the back of his head pushing down, Pickles took him down to the base of his cock, his tongue rubbed along the under side as he worked to relax his throat. Toki gently thrust his hips upward groaning at the wet heat around his cock. The drummer pulled up until only the tip was in his mouth, the ball of his piercing rolled over the tip. He went back down then half way up, he moaned when his boyfriend began thrusting into his mouth. Toki moaned loudly, he moved his hand lower grabbing a fist full of dreads. Pickles tongue ran along his length each time he thrust deep inside his mouth, the feeling of metal against sensitive flesh made him want to go faster. He only stopped when Pickles grabbed his hips pushing him down against the bed keeping him still. The drummer pulled off of him, he moved back up his body. He leaned down kissing him hard, the younger man's tongue invaded his mouth making him groan. 

A hand down the front of his pants had him burying his face against his boyfriend's chest and moaning.

Toki placed a hand on the back of the older man's neck, he nipped at his earlobe making the drummer moan softly. 

“I want you to fuck me” he whispered against his ear.

Pickles knotted his fingers in his boyfriend's thick brown hair and pulled his head back, he kissed him roughly his tongue plunging into his mouth. Fingers moved up beneath his shirt and nails dug into his skin dragging downwards. The drummer let out a surprised moan when the taller musician pushed him onto his back and climbed on top of him. Toki placed his hands on Pickles' shoulders, he ground his ass back against the older man's cock. The drummer bucked his hips, he liked the friction he was feeling every time his boyfriend moved his hips. He felt mildly disappointed when Toki got up off of him, he watched him standing there beside the bed removing his jeans. The younger musician smirked at him, he brushed his fingers back through his hair pushing it back over his shoulders. Pickles was busy looking down over his body; his not boyfriend was really fucking hot. The drummer pushed his own jeans down then kicked them off the rest of the way, he wrapped his hand around his cock and began slowly stroking. Toki grabbed the bottle of lube from the drawer of the night stand then climbed back onto the bed, he straddled the older man's lower stomach. His ass pressed back against Pickles' cock, he pushed back rubbing against him. The red head moved his hand from his own cock to his boyfriend's ass squeezing. 

He could seriously kill over right there and be totally fine with it. He always wanted to go out drunk, stoned, and with somebody hot on top of him. If words weren't so far out of reach he was pretty sure he would have been able to admit he loved him out loud instead of just screaming it in his head. 

The guitarist placed the bottle in his hand bringing his attention back to what was going on. The drummer quickly lubed up his fingers then reached around pressing two fingers up inside of his friend's entrance. The brunette placed his hands on Pickles's shoulders steadying himself as he slowly rocked back and forth against his fingers pushing them inside of himself. He moaned when the older man crooked his fingers inside of him and brushed over his prostate. Toki bit into his shoulder drawing a deep moan from the man beneath him, Pickles was too lost in watching him. The way he closed his eyes, the way his mouth was opened in a perfect O, the way his well sculpted body moved with every heavy breath and every thrust backward. He wanted to fuck him, he wanted to have his cock buried inside of him. He wanted to hear all the ways his boyfriend could cry out his name, he needed that; he needed to make him feel good. 

Toki groaned when Pickles removed his fingers. The drummer applied a generous amount of lube to his cock before pushing inside of him. The guitarist's fingers curled against his skin nails digging in enough to leave marks. Pickles held onto his hips guiding him down, he closed his eyes and moaned at the feeling of being buried inside of him. Lips pressed against his neck, teeth ran over his skin making him shiver. Toki moved up then pushed back down, he moaned. Their pace was slow and sensual, Toki kissed him passionately. Every movement and moan was familiar to the drummer by now, they'd been doing this for long enough now, but it still felt just as mind blowing. He loved the feeling of soft hair running through his fingers, the taste of vanilla on the younger man's tongue, he loved the feeling of a firm body pressed against him, and warm heat wrapped around him. 

“Fuck, God....You feel so fucking good” 

Lips pressed against his jawline and down to his throat. The other man picked up the pace going more quickly, fucking himself harder. He bit Pickles' neck to keep from crying out too loudly, the drummer tugged at his hair making him look up meeting his eyes.

“Be as loud as you want, don't worry about it....I love hearing your voice.”

Pickles' fingers trailed lightly over his scarred back, his boyfriend arched his back at the gentle touch. There was some knowledge in his eyes that said he knew this was the closest he would get to hearing Pickles loved him. He would have to go on the things he loved about him and the way he touched him lovingly. For now that was fine with him, right now he needed that from him. Toki kissed him deeply, he swiped his tongue across his lower lip.

“I love you” He whispered against his mouth.

He buried his face against his chest moaning loudly when the head of his boyfriend's cock hit against his prostate. Toki took hold of his own cock stroking himself, precum dripped from the tip of his cock landing on the older man's stomach. Pickles pushed his friend's hair back out of his face so he could better look at him. The guitarist sat back burying the red head's cock deeper inside of himself. He closed his eyes and bit at his lower lip, the drummer's left hand ran down over his abs down to his cock. The younger musician bucked into his touch when his index finger swirled around the tip of his dick. He stopped stroking himself allowing his partner to take over. He leaned back hands pressed against the bed, back arched, the ends of his hair tickling against the drummer's legs. He continued to thrust against him taking him in, fucking his hand. Anything to just feel him, he'd been lonely lately; loneliness was an addicting and suffocating thing. Just like this, just like whatever they had together. He liked the way Pickles name felt when he moaned it, when he begged for him. He begged for him to let him cum, he whimpered when he swiped his thumb over the tip of his cock. Toki felt a hand on the middle of his back, Pickles pulled him forward until he was pressed flush against him. He opened his eyes looking at his boyfriend. Pickles placed a hand on his cheek, fingers gently rubbing against his skin. They kissed and it was hungry, desperate for something. 

The guitarist came into his hand and on his own stomach, the drummer followed cumming inside of him. They touched anywhere they could, gentle reassuring touches while they went from desperate kisses to something more languid and soothing. When they broke apart and looked into each others eyes Pickles saw something there that reminded him deeply of how he was when he'd been younger. Something needing, something alone and scared; he kissed Toki gently.

“Hey I love you too kid”

The guitarist smiled at him like that was the best thing he'd ever heard in his life, he wrapped his arms around him hugging him. Pickles kissed the side of his head. He deserved to feel loved, they both did.


End file.
